Divorce From The Child’s Point Of View

When I was 5 my mom took me in her Ford Falcon to a drive in restaurant where I sat in the car eating as she cried. When I asked why she was crying she told me she had gotten a phone call from some woman who had told her my dad had a girlfriend. I didn’t know what any of that meant. Too much information for a child to deal with.

I was an only child so I was the focus of both parents attention. In those days men didn’t ask for or probably get custody so that wasn’t an issue. But I remember fights. The police even came once. Things were pretty bad between my parents. Somehow I knew I was supposed to take sides. According to my mom, my dad was a bum who never paid child support. She couldn’t have been more disapproving of him or me being with him. Frankly, I wasn’t all that thrilled to spend every other weekend in my dad’s bachelor flat. He had hot and cold running women. I never got too close to any of them until I was much older. After a while he didn’t come to get me every other weekend, maybe once a month.

Because he was a teacher he would go on sabbatical every 7 years where he would be gone a year at a time. I remember one time getting all dressed up to visit him the night before he left on one of these year long trips and he didn’t come. He didn’t even call. I was confused and angry. It seemed like he just wasn’t that into me after he had his freedom with lots of fun things to do. There is no way to know what really happened. Everyone has their own version.

After I became a special education teacher I worked with severely emotionally disturbed children. I got a close up and personal view of kids from extremely dysfunctional families. I had male and female students who were raped by their fathers and grandfathers. There was a brother/sister team who had been sold to pornographers by their mother when they were little kids and forced to be filmed having simulated sex with each other. Mom needed drug money. Children are the victims of their parents bad choices every day. Sometimes it is just the parents being overwhelmed by their own shock and sadness at learning of an affaire or sometimes it is criminal negligence but it is more common than we would like.

When I became a divorce attorney, I saw the damage done to children from yet another angle. This time the kids became victims of our court system that encourages fighting instead of parents divorcing as peacefully and cooperatively as possible. I was horrified to see the lawyers making false allegations of sexual molest just to get a foot up in a custody battle. I couldn’t believe how many of them thought nothing of raiding their own client’s child’s college fund so that the lawyer could pad their own pocket by manipulating their emotionally vulnerable client. When parents are not thinking straight, their children can get dropped through the cracks.

It is the duty of parents to do only what is in their child’s best interest. Sometimes that means being quite and protecting sensitive little ears to your graphic opinion of what rotten pigs their other parent is. In divorce cases it means that parents work together to form their own custody arrangements rather than getting some stranger in a black robe to get in the middle. People hear the word divorce and automatically think, “Lawyers” when that is actually the LAST person you need to get involved in your fight. More fighting doesn’t make sense. What is needed is calm and rational focus on your children. Of course you are disappointed and maybe even temporarily crushed by the thought of divorce and having your life turned upside down by suddenly being single. It is natural to feel panic or anger but you can’t let the children feel your pain. Staying in bed depressed is the worst example you can give the children. You need to be strong and independent so they learn how to react to difficult situations. The drama of divorce can be radically lessened by simply agreeing with your spouse to keep things calm and fair with no blame but most importantly, an agreement to keep the lawyers out of your life.

You must be thinking, “Why in the world would a divorce lawyer be advising divorcing couples to keep away from divorce attorneys?” It is because I know the system so intimately that I can tell you that 85% of couples can divorce with little or no lawyer involvement. Everything has been litigated already. There are no legal surprises. An experienced family law attorney has seen all the common cases and has a pretty good idea of what the judge will do. Why spend every penny you have on legal fees when you can use a mediator to get a divorce? If you don’t know what mediation is or how it works, you are invited to come to my website and get an education and then google divorce mediation and your town to find a mediator near you. Your children are depending on you to make wise decisions about their future. How you go forward with your divorce can make all the difference to those young lives. Please get all the information before it is too late! You only get one chance to have a peaceful divorce.
Peaceful Divorce – An Idea Whose Time Has Come