Don't fight in front of me!!!!

I remember the police came to our apartment during my parents divorce. I don't remember the incident that set off this call to the police, but I sure remember the cops. From the time my mom first told me, "A lady called to tell me your dad has another woman." I was caught in the middle of my parent's divorce and that was NOT a fun place to be! Each parent said bad things about the other one and this went on for years. In fact, 50 years later, they will still make negative comments about their ex.

As a child it was very uncomfortable for me to deal with the negativity and swipes they took at each other without feeling like I had to take sides. Many parents who are contemplating divorce, do so just to make sure the children don't have to grow up with parents who fight. If that is your primary motivation for getting divorced in the first place, why continue the fight in courts? It makes no sense to heighten the tension by bringing lawyers into your divorce, since they tend to make things much worse than necessary.

Think about it rationally for a minute. If things are already not going too well with your soon to be ex, don't you think that pouring gasoline on this fire, by adding lawyers, judges and court, is the best option? Divorce only has 3 areas of potential conflict, 1) support issues, 2) property and debt division and 3) custody. It isn't that complicated.

Every state has guidelines regarding support. They all use a mathematical formula that determined child support. There are 3 primary numbers that are used to calculate support, 1) mom's income, 2) dad's income and 3) each parent's time share with the children. There are other numbers that can come into play like payments made for health insurance, mandatory retirement deductions, property taxes paid and mortgage interest paid. Would you fight over 2 + 2= 4? No one should fight over math. The outcome is not a mystery.

Property and debt division is the area that makes the LEAST sense to fight about. Couples often spend more money fighting over who gets what, then the things cost in the first place. Go to this webpage for GREAT ideas on how to divide property and avoid court.
http://www.divorce-inaday.com/Nine_Tips_To_Avoid_Court.html

It is vital that you avoid court when determining contested child custody issues. The adversarial legal process will destroy your co-parenting relationship. Instead of running to court if you don't agree on custody, try using a Special Master instead. Is there a couple who has already successfully raised their children, whose opinion you trust? They would be the perfect Special Master to use if you have disputes about the children. This is an honor most people would gladly accept. When issues come up, the parents go to the Special Master, explain their positions and leave it to the Special Master to give their best advice which would be followed by the parents. This avoids court and attorney expenses. If you don't know a couple like this have one parent give a list of 3 child therapists to the other parent who will interview them and make the final decision. That way each parent has input. Avoiding court by using a Special Master will save so much money and reduce the tension between parents.

As a child of a nasty divorce, ex special ed teacher, ex trail and attorney and current divorce mediator, I KNOW that it is critical for parents to work together so that the children don't suffer. Whether or not you have a peaceful divorce is up to you. Your children will thank you for protecting them from being caught in a tug of war. Don't start a war with the children trapped in the middle of a battle zone. Peaceful Divorce is an idea whose time has come!

Divorce From The Child’s Point Of View

When I was 5 my mom took me in her Ford Falcon to a drive in restaurant where I sat in the car eating as she cried. When I asked why she was crying she told me she had gotten a phone call from some woman who had told her my dad had a girlfriend. I didn’t know what any of that meant. Too much information for a child to deal with.

I was an only child so I was the focus of both parents attention. In those days men didn’t ask for or probably get custody so that wasn’t an issue. But I remember fights. The police even came once. Things were pretty bad between my parents. Somehow I knew I was supposed to take sides. According to my mom, my dad was a bum who never paid child support. She couldn’t have been more disapproving of him or me being with him. Frankly, I wasn’t all that thrilled to spend every other weekend in my dad’s bachelor flat. He had hot and cold running women. I never got too close to any of them until I was much older. After a while he didn’t come to get me every other weekend, maybe once a month.

Because he was a teacher he would go on sabbatical every 7 years where he would be gone a year at a time. I remember one time getting all dressed up to visit him the night before he left on one of these year long trips and he didn’t come. He didn’t even call. I was confused and angry. It seemed like he just wasn’t that into me after he had his freedom with lots of fun things to do. There is no way to know what really happened. Everyone has their own version.

After I became a special education teacher I worked with severely emotionally disturbed children. I got a close up and personal view of kids from extremely dysfunctional families. I had male and female students who were raped by their fathers and grandfathers. There was a brother/sister team who had been sold to pornographers by their mother when they were little kids and forced to be filmed having simulated sex with each other. Mom needed drug money. Children are the victims of their parents bad choices every day. Sometimes it is just the parents being overwhelmed by their own shock and sadness at learning of an affaire or sometimes it is criminal negligence but it is more common than we would like.

When I became a divorce attorney, I saw the damage done to children from yet another angle. This time the kids became victims of our court system that encourages fighting instead of parents divorcing as peacefully and cooperatively as possible. I was horrified to see the lawyers making false allegations of sexual molest just to get a foot up in a custody battle. I couldn’t believe how many of them thought nothing of raiding their own client’s child’s college fund so that the lawyer could pad their own pocket by manipulating their emotionally vulnerable client. When parents are not thinking straight, their children can get dropped through the cracks.

It is the duty of parents to do only what is in their child’s best interest. Sometimes that means being quite and protecting sensitive little ears to your graphic opinion of what rotten pigs their other parent is. In divorce cases it means that parents work together to form their own custody arrangements rather than getting some stranger in a black robe to get in the middle. People hear the word divorce and automatically think, “Lawyers” when that is actually the LAST person you need to get involved in your fight. More fighting doesn’t make sense. What is needed is calm and rational focus on your children. Of course you are disappointed and maybe even temporarily crushed by the thought of divorce and having your life turned upside down by suddenly being single. It is natural to feel panic or anger but you can’t let the children feel your pain. Staying in bed depressed is the worst example you can give the children. You need to be strong and independent so they learn how to react to difficult situations. The drama of divorce can be radically lessened by simply agreeing with your spouse to keep things calm and fair with no blame but most importantly, an agreement to keep the lawyers out of your life.

You must be thinking, “Why in the world would a divorce lawyer be advising divorcing couples to keep away from divorce attorneys?” It is because I know the system so intimately that I can tell you that 85% of couples can divorce with little or no lawyer involvement. Everything has been litigated already. There are no legal surprises. An experienced family law attorney has seen all the common cases and has a pretty good idea of what the judge will do. Why spend every penny you have on legal fees when you can use a mediator to get a divorce? If you don’t know what mediation is or how it works, you are invited to come to my website and get an education and then google divorce mediation and your town to find a mediator near you. Your children are depending on you to make wise decisions about their future. How you go forward with your divorce can make all the difference to those young lives. Please get all the information before it is too late! You only get one chance to have a peaceful divorce.
Peaceful Divorce – An Idea Whose Time Has Come